literature

The Bridge of 'Hi's

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The Bridge of "Hi"s is the sole link between West Outer Vaticanny and Leamas National Park. Crossing the northwestern bend of River Vaticanny, the bridge is a famous landmark, and any local will be all too happy to assist you should you lose your bearings.  

The bridge was built in the first decade of the fifth age, during the Le Carre administration, predating the existence of The Vaticanny Place. Administrative heads of that age were not bestowed the title "The God", and so unlike other modern historical landmarks around Outer Vaticanny it does not bear the name of the reigning God.

Before The Bridge of "Hi"s was built, researchers and explorers heading into Leamas National Park (then called the Uncommonly Deep Dark Forest of Darkness) employed the services of boatmen or wingmen to carry them across. The river was privy to rapid currents and low visibility during periods of bad weather or moody weathermen, and in Universal Year 30583 the collision between a boatman and a wingman drowned eighty explorers and researchers. The ensuing public outrage spurred the administration to erect high-beam traffic light poles, but another accident in Universal Year 30585 between a drunken wingman and a colour-blind swimmer caused the poles to snap and fall into the river. The administration finally constructed a bridge for safety's sake.

The Bridge of "Hi"s was originally slated to be a suspension bridge with drawbridges and multi-level passageways to enable safe passage of both pedestrian and motor vehicles. However, construction of the bridge was constantly delayed and plagued with problems. Head Engineer Ishamel Al-Mujahid had trouble securing permanent construction staff who did not suffer nightmares, insomnia, or voices in their head while working on the bridge. Consequently, only the frame was installed before it sank to the bottom of the river. Witnesses claim they saw the girders descend slowly into the water as if "pulled down by ancient aquatic demons living in its depths...or a soft riverbed, whichever your belief system favours."

It seemed that efforts were doomed to fail until a group of travelling consultant necromancers informed Al-Mujahid that the unrecovered corpses of the eighty explorers were not pleased at being impaled by steel girders, and construction would not run smoothly until the problem was resolved. Discussion and scientific experiments proved recovery efforts would end up higher than the cost of the actual bridge, and so the necromancers were paid to raise the corpses from the riverbed to form the bridge instead. The bodies of the explorers turned out entrenched deeper in the soil than expected, and only their forearms made it above the surface, their outstretched palms lined up to form a bridge into the forest. Al-Mujahid looked at the hand bridge, shrugged, and said it would do until a more permanent solution was found.

Today, the bridge continues to stand as a symbol of resilience against nature's adversity. West Outer Vaticanny has become a bustling trade center of naturalists and eco-tourists preparing to enter Leamas National Park, while drunken college fraternities use the bridge as initiation dares. In this game, new initiates have to cross the bridge without the hands grabbing their ankles and pulling them into the river to drown them. This can be avoided by waving and saying "hello" to the bridge, and waiting until the bridge has waved back before crossing. The hands are fairly friendly and are open to conversation along the way.

It goes without saying that the bridge can only support one life form at a time, for the bridge will not allow ground or water transport to pass. Any research equipment brought in or out of Leamas National Park must be airlifted. Some complain that a footbridge is outdated, that science and modern necromancy should be able to fully extract the bodies and let them rest in peace, but the local council - Ishamel Al-Mujahid included - is adamant on keeping on the bridge, for not only is it a recognisable and profitable landmark, they also insist that if you are not being respectful to the dead sacrificing their resting time for your convenience, you are clearly "doing it wrong".


END
I wanted to write a variation of "The Bridge of Sighs" after seeing one at Oxford University in a "Welcome to Night Vale" style.
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